


Screen C.A.P.S. 1: oh, my glob, what a basalt

by justinsbuzz



Series: Screen C.A.P.S., with Connie, Amethyst, Peridot, and Steven! [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, Episode Review, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21728908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justinsbuzz/pseuds/justinsbuzz
Summary: *Steven, Connie, Amethyst, Pink Pearl, and Jasper in a conga line*:Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers! Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers! Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers! Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers!there be spoilers here as Steven, Connie, and Amethyst critiques the first 4 episodes of 'Steven Universe Future'. a total no holds bared farce of really trying to figure out what the heck just happened.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Pearl/Pink Diamond's Pearl (Steven Universe)
Series: Screen C.A.P.S., with Connie, Amethyst, Peridot, and Steven! [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1481819
Comments: 14
Kudos: 15





	Screen C.A.P.S. 1: oh, my glob, what a basalt

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, alot of spoilers. i can't really emphasize that enough. i once saw someone get thrown into a pit of zombie chickens for spoiling the ending of a star wars movie. not a pretty sight. so, yeah, spoilers. spoilers everywhere.
> 
> also, strong language, very mild suggestive stuff. nothing heavy, but just saying.

Screen C.A.P.S: oh, my glob, what a basalt

The screen flicked off, showing the reflections of the small cadre of gems and humans. Their emotions were mixed. A large Jasper sat dumbfounded. Shocked as to how she was portrayed. A teenager with brown, curly hair sat on her lap. His face was blank, but his eyes said all it needed to. Steven was in shock. To his left, he saw Amethyst, staring down at an empty coconut that had her drink in it. There were a few flakes and drops of coconut smoothies that she swashed around. It seemed, for the most part, she sat in a more neutral zone than almost everyone else. As to who the other one who was, she sat on amethyst’s left was Pink pearl. She sat and traced the pattern’s and lines on the ground of Steven’s bedroom. A common thread was found amongst them. The feeling of one member of the group was being dejected. On Steven’s and Jaspers right, a teenage girl sat with a pink coat draped around herself. She shook her head slowly and cautiously.

“College prep courses?” Connie spoke, slowly shaking her head. “That’s the weak sauce they’re going to pour over us noodles? College pre- Seriously?!”

“I…oof…that’s…freaking what?” Steven said, sounding shocked. “I’m…scared.”

“Like…what was the point of…yeesh. I feel like I was sent back to square 1, glasses, sunhat and all!” Connie said, sounding more frustrated than she ever did before. “They turned me back into a book worm, Steven! A silent, wall-flowering, nerdy, defenseless book worm. It’s like all that sword training was for nothing. I fall back into the high demands of other people. College is two years, no need to jump the gun. Let me be me!”

“I know. That…That’s not you, Connie.” Steven said woefully, looking into himself. “That’s definitely not you. And definitely not me.”

“Same here.” Jasper grunted. “I mean…swear warning, but what a basalt. They kept me as some warring, rusty, bitchy battle axe? Where’s my growth?”

“I got growth, but…hard to dig that far down.” Pink Pearl said, staring at the ground. “Also…volleyball? That’s my name now?! A white, round thing that hit and spike into a ground? Do you know how messed up that is?”

The group unanimously agreed about the poor naming choice.

“But…it wasn’t all bad…was it?” Steven asked nervously, knowing that It might have been.

“Well...Guidance seemed really nice.” Connie said. “I mean, Amethyst, you showed growth by showing growth. You acted as a counselor and were doing an awesome job at it.” 

“Yeah Amethyst. being a counselor like that…giving out advice. Being helpful. Being SMART!” Jasper said, sounding impressed enough to forget about her episode. “I mean…you showed real growth. And most of the bad stuff that happened was all on Steven.”

“Um…yeah…me.” Steven spoke, sounding disheartened.

“It wasn’t all you, Steven. it was all on THAT goober.” Amethyst said, trying to reassure him that he didn’t do anything wrong. “You, Steven, would have dove in to save Onion. That Steven was…definitely not you…”

“Definite apathy. He just doesn’t care anymore. Kind of like his mom long ago. You’re, like…they nerfed you. And that’s coming from an apparent sport’s ball, apparently.” Pink Pearl said with enthusiasm.

“So, we’re in agreeance then. Our Steven would be better than that Steven?” Connie said, raising her hand, in which everyone but Steven was following suit. “Ah, we’re in agreeance, 4 to- wait, what?”

Steven sat there, looking at the screen with the same shocked look he had before.

“Um…Steven? Biscuit?” Connie tried to get his attention. Connie got up and moved closer to him. “You ok?”

“I…they set my clock backwards. I may have grown physically, but…I didn’t grow much.” Steven said calmly. “I…didn’t get to grow at all. I mean, Connie, you deserved a heck of a lot more screen time than just being a copy cat of li-fi girl. Jasper…we’re stuck in the same boat. Amethyst is lightyears ahead of me. and Pink Pearl is on her way to heal herself. But what about me?”

Everyone looked at each other, trying to gauge what kind of feeling that is to be had here.

“Well…you’ll get your chance. I mean, you need some form of conflict and I cannot believe I just said that.” Connie said in disbelief. “In that story I mean. You don’t really need conflict at all…especially with that pink stuff going on. And I’m just bombing this…I’m sorry, Steven.”

Connie turned around and huddled into the jacket. Trying not to see it as a problem that needed to be solved, Steven got up from Jasper’s lap, and sat down right next to Connie.

“I know what you mean, Connie. It’s not real. Just a different story. And of course, he’s going to need a hurdle or two to get over. I mean…he doesn’t ever talk about what’s going on. In fact, he needs to start focusing on himself before others.” Steven said, moving closer to Connie. “I’m honestly not liking the road he’s taking. He just straight up wants to fight Jasper, he critiquing Amethyst, and he went to extreme lengths to fix a Pearl who was damaged by his mom. And now, it just seems like he’s becoming his own worst enemy.”

“OOF. So…I guess that’s what they meant when they said he had to face his greatest challenge which happened to be himself…” Jasper said, coming to the realization on the gravity of the situation in the show. “And here I thought I was going to be the antagonist again. And for the record, I don’t want to be that Jasper. I’ve moved on. I wouldn’t spend 2 freaking years destroying my environment, waiting for someone to come along and beat me up. I’m really not liking that direction they’re going with.”

“yeah…these episodes…I have mixed feelings.” Pink Pearl said, looking up from the carpet. “It’s like they were really trying to put that stuff on top of you. Turning you into your mom more than they did in the last series. So…yeah. Yo- sorry, That Steven got shot back a few thousand miles. They didn’t revert him back to the way he was in season 1, they reverted him back to the freaking prequels.”

“I know…some of us got the raw deal, and some of us got off easily.” Amethyst said. “Like…I can take a few more episodes of growing instead of ultimately being top dog on the maturity mountain. I can’t be that perfect. This feels rushed.”

“Amethyst…you are probably one of the funniest people in the whole thing. I mean, if it weren’t for you and your mood, I would have broken down by the middle of episode 2.” Connie said, looking over her shoulder to see Amethyst leaning up against jasper’s lap. “I think it would be best to say that you won tonight in these episodes.”

“But what if I don’t want to win though?” Amethyst asked with a slight undertone of annoyance. “What if I want to still grow some more? What if there are things that I want to learn more about? I think I feel like I’m done as far as I know.”

“Same…getting benched like that. I just feel type cast now. The young over-over-over-overachieving student who has to bury themselves in books…my mom talks about how she used to be like that, and how she didn’t want that for me.” Connie said, wrapping Steven’s coat around herself as Steven wrapped a blanket around each other. He knew how easy it was for Connie to get cold. “I feel really bad for cannon Connie. so much potential, yet wasting away in a room that looks like a 24-hour lo-fi loop...just the typical Tamil girl, slaving away at trying to be an over-over-over-over-overachiever cause if I don't, I'll be a huge disappointment or something stupid. It just seems like all my character growth was for nothing...so much for breaking the mold.”

Everyone paused for a moment to let those words sink in. Connie did, evidentially, get the shortest end of the stick.

“Yeah…nearly a year, and this is what we get? Nothing had really changed?” Steven said in disbelief. “Or they just reverted most of us into our original form? It’s Spinel’s rejuvenator all over again.”

“Oh jeez, don’t remind me of that. Being like that was…awkward.” Amethyst cringed. “Being all lost and clueless like that. It was almost as painful to go through again as it was when Steven turned into a baby.”

“Wait…Steven…can turn back into a baby?” Jasper said, sounding shocked. “How is that even possible?”

“My honest guess is that it revolved around my mood.” Steven replied, sounding highly uncomfortable. “And at the time, things were complicated.”

“Steven tried to impress Connie, and he stretched himself to look taller cause I didn’t want to end up being ‘first boy’. But it backfired when Steven and Connie were ‘just talking’. I ended up having to change his diaper.” Amethyst said, ultimately changing the mood for everyone from feeling depressed, to feeling either awkward, or about to die laughing. Steven bunched himself up a little tighter.

“But we were just talking!” Steven slightly wailed. “And…I wanted to actually grow up, y’know.”

“Well…” Connie spoke, sounding awkward. “I mean, we were just talking, but I was kind of hoping for…something to happen.”

“You mean you wanted to smooch under the stars?” Amethyst said, making kissing sounds. She was at peak ‘big sister’ mode. Steven could only tighten the blanket around him more.

“That’s on me, guys. And we did get that kiss later on. And maybe I probably should have told him how I felt sooner. Things are cool now.” Connie explained. “We all have those moments. It’s ok, Steven.”

Connie held Steven’s hand tightly as she said that. Steven looked over at her just the moment she kissed his cheek. Jasper and Amethyst collectively rolled their eyes, while Pink Pearl looked lost.

“Ok…I do have a question about all of this. Like, for one, are all of these C.A.P.S. stories this angst/fluff filled, or is this a new thing?” Pink Pearl asked, looking confused. At that moment, everyone frozen at the realization that they got so far off topic, they forgot the reason why they were there. Initiative had to be taken.

“OK, Right, so, ratings. 1st episode. Fire away…Jasper.” Steven said, slightly taking off the blanket, but still holding Connie’s hand.

“4/10, man.” Jasper said “Steven just kind of downgraded to season 1, but with more denial. Also…where’s my redemption song?!”

“4/10.” Amethyst spoke abruptly. “My girl Connie only had a 5 second spot and it was just copying the lo-fi girl. I thought she would at least just hang out with us for a bit. And Cannon Steven just not taking my advice and just letting Jasper go…that sucked man. But preemptively, “Guidance” and “Volleyball” get’s a solid 7/10, and “Rose buds” gets a 6, because it made me feel conflicted.”

“2/10 for the 1st episode.” Pink Pearl said savagely. “Cannon Steven going all pink like that brought back memories, and I’m not going to lie, he’s in for a bad time. 8/10 for ‘guidance’ because I haven’t laughed like that in freaking millennia. “Rose buds was 7/10. Nice and mellow. Showed some form of growth with Steven. and ‘Volleyball’…still trying to process that. But Pearl squared, that one look she gave near the end. All cute and such…I hate the name, but love the resolution. Even 7/10.”

“A predictable, yet disappointing, 1/10 for the 1st episode. All first episodes are really rocky, but it just seemed like it was going straight towards the basis of Steven trying to solve problems that don’t need to be solved. Cannon Steven was way off character, and I only get 5 seconds…surprised that they just didn’t freaking kill me off…” Connie said with a deep sense of frustration. “but for the rest, and trying to be as impartial as I can, 8/10 for ‘guidence’ cause Amethyst rocked at her job, and It was nice to see Smokey drop kick the laws of time and space. ‘rose bud’ gets a 5.5/10 because Steven had a slumber party and I wasn’t there! And a common 7/10 for ‘Volleyball’, cause Pink Pearl and Pearl had a nice dynamic and I think she’s slowly being healed.”

“And for me…not a huge fan of the first episode, but it was kind of expected. ‘Guidance’…’Rose Buds’…’Volleyball’…It’s like they nerfed me in all the wrong ways.” Steven said contemplating. “I think…I might need to think on it some more. For now, tough, is anyone else starving? anyone else starving? I wonder if Fish Stew Pizza is still open now.”

“Doubt it. It’s almost 10, and I think they close at 9.” Amethyst replied. “But I think we can make something here.”

“Maybe you could show me how to eat stuff? I know Pearl isn’t a huge fan, but I want to give it a shot.” Pink Pearl asked.

“Yeah, I can show you how tonight. Might start off with something simple. But I’m probably going to see if we have the stuff for pizza.” Amethyst replied as they all made their way to the staircase.

“I remember picking up some loaves of french bread from Lars bakery. I might make something from that if we got the sauce.” Jasper spoke. As the trio of gems went down stairs, Pink Pearl stopped and looked back at Steven.

“For the record, Steven, you’re not your mother. You’re someone better. Keep on growing.” Pink Pearl said with a wink as she made her way down stairs.

Steven, feeling as though he should make his way to the kitchen as well, walked over to the staircase. But before he could make his way downstairs, a soft voice stopped him.

“Steven?” Connie spoke. “Do you think we can talk for a moment…alone?”

Steven felt nervous for a second or two. He was still getting used to being alone with her, not just as a friend, but as a boyfriend.

“Um…yeah, sure. What’s up?” Steven asked.

Connie sat down at the foot of Steven’s bed. She looked up and subtly beckoned him to sit next to her. Sitting down, Steven couldn’t help but feel nervous about what the talk might be about. He sensed that it might be something serious.

“Well…Steven…I know it’s just a show, and well removed from our universe. Like…really removed from our universe.” Connie said with deep emphasis as she folded her hands together on her lap. “But…I’ve been thinking a lot about things. Just seeing me there like that. Hunched over stacks of books. Wracking my brain over something that I won’t need to worry about for a while. It was as though I was 12 all over again.”

“Yeah. That was kind of hard to watch. And that I- I mean he will have to go through all of this on his own.” Steven said looking down at his feet. “I mean…I know Amethyst has my back and all, but she seems busy with her own things. Pearl and Garnet…I think that they have their own things, plus even if they didn’t, I’m not sure how they could help. They would probably bring her up more and more, and make things worse. You…actually understand who I am. You and Amethyst would rarely bring her up because you know me. And now…I’m just worried.”

“I know…but…I mean in the here and now. In this place. I wanted to talk about…us.” Connie said, her fingers shifting around nervously. “Steven…what would you think if I…didn’t go to college right away?”

Steven sat there, looking confused as he looked at Connie. She stared at her shifting fingers while trying to look calm.

“Um…well…I don’t see why not. But…why not?” Steven asked.

“Well, College isn’t going anywhere. Plus it would be nice to just, I dunno, maybe…travel for a while.” Connie said, sounding hesitant. Steven felt his stomach drop at the idea of Connie going away for a while. Space Camp was one thing, but the thought of not seeing her for months caused a lot of mental distress. He had to keep himself together.

“Where were you thinking about going? How long would you be gone for?” Steven asked more nervous than he had cared to sound. This caught Connie off guard.

“Wait…oh. Oh! Oh, Steven, no, no, no, no, no. I’m not doing this alone. I was talking about us.” Connie said, reaching over to hold Steven’s hand that were gripping this lap. “What I mean to ask is what if we took the leg ship, or the warp pads and just backpack across the galaxy? Or maybe see if we can ask your dad to borrow the van and stay local…on a galactic scale?”

Steven’s stomach settled down for now but his heart was of two minds.

“Connie…that would sound really awesome.” Steven said, trying to sound happy, but something held him back. “But…you don’t have to hold off on College for me. I don’t think I’m-”

“Nope!” Connie interrupted. “I know what you’re going to say and nope. You’re definitely worth it. More than you’ll ever know. But at the same time, I don’t want to force you…I want your opinion. I can wait on college, but…I just want to do something with you. Something memorable.”

Steven’s face felt hot enough to bake a pizza on. The idea of being with Connie and exploring the galaxy sounded more tempting than a pile of cookie-cat ice cream bars. But a sudden feeling pinged in him.

“Well…yeah. you make a good point. I mean…it could be the last chance to hang out and go on adventures.” Steven said, sounding as though he was lost in thought. For Connie, what he said, came out of nowhere.

“Wait…what? ‘Last chance to go on adventures’? What you talking about, Biscuit?!” Connie exclaimed, sounding highly confused.

“Well, when we get back, you’re going to go off to college. And it might end up being out of state. You’ll probably only come back on breaks…most of the time. You’ll make new friends…maybe even forget about me…see someone else…” Steven said, sounding as though he was falling down a dark pit.

“Oh hell no, Steven!” Connie said, pouncing on top of him with a hug. “I’m not even going to worry about that. And if I was thinking about college, it’s going to be in state. I know those warp pads can go long distances, but anywhere farther than Empire City is too far for me. Plus, I’ll be coming home on a daily basis. Why would I want to go anywhere else? Plus, free Wi-Fi, washing machine and dryer, an awesome kitchen. and this comfy bed.”

“You…wait…you mean…here?” Steven asked, hugging Connie back. Steven felt her head nodding.

“Dorm’s would cost 2 grand a semester. I would end up having to share a bathroom with a bunch of other people who aren’t gems, so they’re automatically boring. And I’m not going to ‘see someone else’. Because every time I think about the future, you’re right there with me. the only problem is trying to get you a GED and get you enrolled.” Connie said, squeezing Steven tighter. “I’m not going to endure college alone. I want you to be there as well. learning new things, understanding the world that the Crystal Gem’s fought so hard for. You deserve that you know!”

“I’m still stuck on a few things, but…you…really want me to be a part of all of that?” Steven said hesitantly.

“Yeah, Steven! I wanted to be a part of your universe.” Connie said, moving away slightly, and pressing her forehead to his. “I and I want you…to be a part of my universe as well. I want…you.”

What was considered to be a beautiful, and meaningful moment, went south almost too soon.

“WHOMP WHOMP! WHOMP WHOMP!” A startling sound came from the staircase. Amethyst had shape-shifted her head to look like an electronic bull horn and a devious look in her eyes. “ATTENTION EVERYONE WITHIN A 5 MILE RADIUS! CONNIE WANT’S STEVEN! I REPEAT, CONNIE WANTS STEVEN!”

“Am I going to have to sew one of you into a burlap sack and keep you away from each other!” Jasper jokingly growled.

“Oh no!” Pink Pearl jokingly cried out “I’m being replaced once again by my diamond with another Pearl! Oh, woe is me!”

One moment, they thought to themselves. They just wanted one moment alone to bare their hearts and souls to each other. Neither of them had planned a 3-pronged attack from an older sister, an old adversary that nearly killed them a couple of times, and a walking reminder of Steven’s mom’s mistakes. Action must be taken, and they did the only thing they could. They kissed deeply, and ended up forming Stevonnie. Jasper and Pink Pearl was thrown off by this, but Amethyst was hoping this would happen. Stevonnie, grabbed two of the pillows from the bed and swung them around furiously.

“I just wanted one moment alone, guys!” Stevonnie roared as she swung the pillows around skillfully. “And now…to battle!”

For no proper reason, Jasper, still being larger than Stevonnie, attempted to jump down the stairs, but tripped and rolled down instead. Pink Pearl graciously jumped down, and pounced from the top of Jaspers head, and off the walls into the Living-room. Amethyst, on the other hand, attempted to stand her ground, but ran away after 5 seconds from the rampaging hits from Stevonnie’s pillow fighting technique.

In the end, they burned the french bread pizza…Amethyst and Pink Pearl still ate it.

**Author's Note:**

> Next week: Amethyst and Peridot hunt bluebirds while Connie dawns her old glasses and a notepad while Steven lays on a chase lounge, talking about a split personality of riding around on an umbrella, as well as being on fire and telling kids to not do school, and stay on drugs. Guest stars/victims: TBD.


End file.
